I’d like to interrupt my regularly scheduled blog post with a Public Service Announcement. One of the joys of getting older is that every time you visit the doctor, there is a new list of preventative tests and procedures. I’ve been having my boobs smashed for years, but when you turn 50, colonoscopy floats to the top of the list. I know it’s not pleasant, but hey, we like to eat and drink and play, and we want to stay as healthy as possible, right.
So, I’m here to lessen or elevate your fears, depending on how this all sounds to you. But looking back on it, it wasn’t nearly as bad as the dread I felt leading up to it. With a few easy pointers from Pam, you too can have a pleasant colonoscopy.
First off, there is the day of the colonoscopy and then there is the day before the colonoscopy and then there is the day before the day before. I want to begin with the day before the day before. Some people may think that this is the time to eat up, after all you won’t be eating anything the next day. Not so, grasshopper. What ever you eat that day, has to, no doubt about it, leave your body the next day. So, I ate a normal breakfast and lunch, and then a light soup for dinner, followed by a Margarita in the evening (maybe 2). The whole margarita thing is optional.
The next day, you can have clear liquids, jello, hard candies, and Popsicles. Nothing with red or purple in it. Now people, this is the time to indulge in your every clear-liquid whim. You know the Lorina Lemonade that comes in the lovely bottle with the porcelain stopper, that is four dollars a bottle? Well, now is the time. People, you are getting a colonoscopy, you can justify anything. I personally, also justified two pairs of new shoes and a pair of earrings, but that’s just me.
So, I had coffee, followed by apple juice for breakfast. Then I drank the rest of the apple juice and had a lovely bowl of beef broth for lunch. More liquids through the day: green tea, ginger ale, lemonade. Then at 3, I started the Movi Prep (which is code words for making you go to the bathroom a lot). You were supposed to start at 5 and finish late in the evening, but I go to bed early, so I wanted to be done by 10. Turns out it was a moot point, since I was up all night going to the bathroom anyway.
I had already googled the heck out of Movi Prep and learned that it taste terrible. People gag, throw up, try chasing it with other things. My two tips: get it really, really cold and use a straw. Put the straw as far back as you can stand it, and try and have it just go straight down, unless you enjoy the flavor of Lemon Pledge that has been overly salted. Then prepare to spend a lot of time in the bathroom. It really wasn’t too bad, but do take some reading material. I finished the whole Entertainment Weekly Fall Preview Issue and started a book. The Movi Prep leaves you feeling kind of cold and shakey. So, I dressed warm and drank some Gatorade to replace whatever it is that Gatorade replaces.
On the day of the colonoscopy, it is probably a blessing that you are so tired from having spent the night in the bathroom. I remember getting all ready, an IV in my arm, and the doctor guy saying, “I’m going to give you something to relax you.” And me trying to say O.K, but never getting past O. Then I woke up, all over. Seriously. I remember nothing. I woke up, and within 30 minutes I was out of there and at a Panera’s eating a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel.
See, that wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t fun, it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t so bad. And my new shoes and earrings are really, really cute.